NEVER APOLOGISE. NEVER EXPLAIN.

It's netball season again.

We won 12-4, but it was quite a dirty game. I was in a bit of an aggro mood, and the rain probably didn't help. I got scratched by the WD, and she drew blood, THEN she tripped me up (bitch) so the red mist descended. I went to catch the ball, saw her approaching from the corner of my eye, planted myself firmly - she came straight at me, then bounced right off on her arse into a puddle.

Revenge is a dish best served cold (and slightly wet).

City Living

Little Fred has finally grown up and bought a flat, a very little flat, that's not in the country.

It's not little, actually. It's two-bed, mahoosive living room and two gardens. Titchy bathroom with tiling like someone has thrown up and a gorgeous kitchen. It would be a gross understatement to say that I'm terribly excited.

Crazy Greek Lady will be moving with me, so hopefully there'll be antics aplenty to entertain you. That is if I ever get a telephone line. £122.50 to connect me, they say! As if I'll have any money left over after buying a flat..!

Anyhoo, the move takes place next week and I'm having the big countdown via Facebook. And pissing off plenty of my friends in the process. HOW BORING is it to have status updates going: T minus 9 days, T minus 8 days, T minus 7 days.

/unlike
/defriend

Dalmations in Swansea

So, JGJones... where's that post you promised me about carrots?

It's been a mad couple of months. I spent all of Christmas laid-up on my proverbial deathbed, hurried back to London and decked myself out in groovy 70's clothes for New Year; then with no further ado I started working at Auntie Beeb with the worlds biggest hangover.

I've already had two programmes out with another one on the way and I still have four months left on my contract. Where I'll go from that, God only knows.

What else? Oh I've dressed as a dalmation. I've seen Colin Jackson, Nick Knowles and Jeremy Clarkson. I went to Swansea for St David's Day and pitied the poor blighter who had to clean the red dye out of this fountain.

I also have a new flatmate. A crazy Greek woman who cooks the best dinners, plays an excellent game of badminton, never stops laughing, and brings her friends over to climb my corridor walls. Seriously.

I adore her!

I'm off on a course next week and I have to come up with an interesting and amusing fact about myself. I've been stumped for weeks... then it came to me.

When I was young, I used to have a pet stick insect called Sticky.

What do you think, guys?

Come dressed as your Screen Icon.

Well I didn't have a cat and a cigarette holder...

Life 101

Sometimes don't you wish that you could take a crash course in life? You know, the kind of course that tells you which fork to use, not to wear a cropped top in church and to let little old ladies off the bus before you start digging your elbows in...

The reason for this post? I've just been for sushi with Howard - we've been discussing the kind of people who could really do with a course in Life 101.

Let's start with an oldie, but a goodie. Take Jasmine Willis, a 17 year old with a fondness for caffeine. Now add seven double expressos. I don't know of anyone who could drink all this and then sleep easy (well apart from Ray Harrison Graham, but that's another story). According to Howard she's going to start a campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of caffeine. Jasmine, I don't think many people pop out for a salad and seven expressos at lunchtime. I suggest you look up moderation in the dictionary. You'll find it beween self-restraint and asceticism.

And we'll swiftly move on to the latest piece of artwork to grace the South Banks finest gallery. Yes, I'm talking about the Tate's crack. Since it's opening, three people have fallen in. I'm not kidding. Three people have fallen in this huge trench running through the Tate's Turbine Hall. The story goes that they thought it was painted on the floor. So they stepped on it. Only to find that they are not quite as capable of defying gravity as Elphaba.

As a wise man once said, look before you leap.

Get ye to the classroom and no running in the hallways!

Red Wine & Cheeseburgers in Casulty

There's nothing like a bit of flirtation to boost the old confidence. But there is a time and place for everything.

"What's your name?"
"Caroline."
"Karen?"
"Close enough."
"So, do you come here often?"

Location? The JobCentre.


What else? Oh yes...


I ended up escorting a friend to A&E last week. We were around Shaftesbury Avenue when he started feeling unwell. We jumped into a taxi, shouted out in our best action hero voice, "Cabbie, take us to the nearest hospital and step on it!" We were still in the same place ten minutes later; stuck in wall-to-wall traffic.

This would never have happened in Hollywood.

Treading the Boards

So as sure as the sun will shine

I'm gonna get my share now of what's mine

And then the harder they come the harder they'll fall, one and all

Ooh the harder they come the harder they'll fall, one and all

-Jimmy Cliff-

I'm just back from the Theatre Royal in Stratford East. I went to see The Harder They Come with Howard.

And it was absolutely brilliant.

It was quite unlike any other performance I have ever seen. The cast ran riot in the audience at the beginning - my personal favourite being a lovely preacher man who gave some poor punter a lecture from the Bible and encouraged him to make a honest woman of his girlfriend!

The tunes were absolutely fantastic and translated beautifully by Jacqui Beckford.

The talented lead actor, Rolan Bell, who played Ivan was hotter than a jalapeno pepper with a side order of tabasco quite attractive (the boyfriend reads this blog) - something I didn't actually notice until after the interval as I was so distracted by Jacqui. What really shone through was the passion; the cast were really talented but it was obvious that they were tremendously enjoying themselves.

And you really can't go wrong with any play that has the Day O (Banana Boat) song in it.

This really should go to the West End. It was so much better than that Evita rubbish (the review for which is notably absent from this blog, not even worth writing about).

If you're London based, go and see this whilst you still can.

And whilst you're there - try the jerk chicken.

Road Rage

I went to Hammersmith for a haircut yesterday. And it's very nice, thank you for asking.

The salon I go to belongs to Steve's uncle (Steve being my sisters boyfriend). It's slightly off the beaten track, so the best way to get there is to drive.

So early Saturday morning I'm pootling along to Hammersmith with Steve in tow. It's my sisters car. It's yellow with a pink steering wheel so I was wearing a ski mask too. No, not to rob a bank, but in fear someone might recognise me.

One sausage sandwich, a cup of tea and a haircut later I'm pootling along back to Camberwell when all of a sudden at the Brixton/Camberwell junction at Vauxhall I get cut up by a White Van Man.

Now there are a variety of methods for demonstrating your annoyance. I didn't give him the finger because it's not big nor clever, children. Besides, he wouldn't have seen me. So instead I went to sound my horn. But it wasn't where it was supposed to be. So instead I washed my windows at him. Vigorously.

I think that I really taught him a lesson and obviously he drove away in terror, vowing never to cut up another female driver. In a yellow car with a pink steering wheel.

There's Something In My Eye

As always, the Snot Monster (TM) has impeccable timing. I have the biggest, baddest cold in the West and I was supposed to start work today. I couldn't really go in all hellos and germy germs - so here I am in my sickbed at home. New start date is this Wednesday so I have one more day to shake it off!

Can't say I have much news, I've spent the past few days being ill. I did pop to Portobello Road Saturday morning to meet a friend from Ireland. My favourite cafe, The Grove, which did the best sandwiches in London and proper steaming mugs of tea has closed down. This is not a good start to 2007!

Sick people watch DVD's from their deathbed. And I am no exception. So in the absence of any news, here's 3 short and sweet soundbytes from my housemates to sum up the films we've seen this week.

Snakes on A Plane - "I nearly wet myself laughing." Somehow I suspect not quite the reaction David R. Ellis was looking for. If your favourite colour is green and you like dead snakes, then this is the film for you.

Cars - "More fun than cutting up a White Van Man." And that IS fun... A lovely, lovely film and I really want to go tractor tipping with Mater!

Rent - "Tearjerking and uplifting." This quote was from my sister's boyfriend. But then, he did cry at Wicked. Definitely worth a watch. Bring tissues.

And he just cried right now when he read this blog.

I Heart Camberwell/2007 Predictions

Good evening dear readers, tonights plan involves running rampant in Camberwell with a power drill. Give it a wide berth if you can!

I'm a happy, happy chappy at the moment. I'm having the strangest week. Today went to the jewellery shop to get my necklace fixed. Only cost a couple of quid but I didn't have any change on me, only a big note. The guy in the shop didn't have anything to break it with, so his friend offered to pay for it.

THIS KIND OF STUFF NEVER HAPPENS IN LONDON!!!!!!!!!!!

So big up to the lovely jewellery repair shop in Camberwell and the guys mate. May your year be full of love, luck and success.

Howard made some predictions for 2007, so I am going to make some too...

• Leo Sayer will win Celebrity Big Brother.
• Tony Blair will apologise for all his freeloading, then promptly go off for a holiday in Wales, caravanning with Charlotte Church.
• Size 0 will go out of fashion and all the models on the catwalk will be obese.
• Cloned food will hit Britain, with Blair discussing the merits of how "one good burger will taste the same as the next," before dashing off to catch his plane to the Maldives.
• Skulls and crossbones will FINALLY go out of fashion (and I can wear my cool new top without feeling like a sheep).
• Reality TV will hit a new low with ITV's show "Crime Does Pay", with criminals everywhere being paid £50 for the clip of their latest ASBO offence from CCTV.
• The OC gets axed (Oh sorry, that's already happened).
• Southampton will be promoted to the Premiership.
• Volleyball will become the new national sport, fronted by none other than Posh Spice.

Well that's my lot - feel free to post any predictions and we'll reassess in December 2007!

Bring Back the Wispa!

Ever since I've been back in London I've been trying to find out more about all the free things I can see and do. I have so much time on my hands; I need some form of entertainment before I start going crazy and walking sideways into walls.

Now most of the free things in London don't really appeal to me. I'm sure there are thousands of Mozart lovers out there. But not really my cup of java.

Then I found this spark of divine inspiration.

In a nutshell if you have a burning issue keeping you awake at night then you now have the means to stand up and make your voice heard. Maybe you want to bring back the Wispa or campaign for pedestrian crossings for frogs (something I feel very strongly about), perhaps you think computer chairs are evil and should be melted down and transformed into G-Wiz's. The possibilities are mind-boggling.

The police have the right to stop mass protests in the designated area around Parliament (i.e. within 1km), but if you apply for the appropriate licence for a sole demonstration at your police station 6 days before the protest they have to grant it to you.

This guy here came up with the concept. He announced at the more recent protest that this is going to be a monthly event, much to the elation of attending police.

Absolute. Genius.

I'm off to make my placard.