Phone Sex Voice

We have a running joke at work that my interpreter has a "phone sex" voice. I've been nagging her to change the voicemail on my phone, but we still haven't come up with a script.

I asked a friend to pen something for me; here's the result:

Start off with

Hello..... (purrrrrrrrr)
This is Caroline's (pause) phone
(purrrrrr)
I'm deaf, but also extremely busy
And wouldn't you like to know what I'm busy with?
If you want to get hold of me... (purrrr)
Send me a text and maybe.... (pause)
I'll get back to you! (sigh)

Ummm. Maybe not.

Suggestions in the message box, please!

Dalmations in Swansea

So, JGJones... where's that post you promised me about carrots?

It's been a mad couple of months. I spent all of Christmas laid-up on my proverbial deathbed, hurried back to London and decked myself out in groovy 70's clothes for New Year; then with no further ado I started working at Auntie Beeb with the worlds biggest hangover.

I've already had two programmes out with another one on the way and I still have four months left on my contract. Where I'll go from that, God only knows.

What else? Oh I've dressed as a dalmation. I've seen Colin Jackson, Nick Knowles and Jeremy Clarkson. I went to Swansea for St David's Day and pitied the poor blighter who had to clean the red dye out of this fountain.

I also have a new flatmate. A crazy Greek woman who cooks the best dinners, plays an excellent game of badminton, never stops laughing, and brings her friends over to climb my corridor walls. Seriously.

I adore her!

I'm off on a course next week and I have to come up with an interesting and amusing fact about myself. I've been stumped for weeks... then it came to me.

When I was young, I used to have a pet stick insect called Sticky.

What do you think, guys?

Dead Fred

I had a rather shocking/amusing email today from my friend Billy. Billy and I have a mutual friend called Luke who is at university studying meeja. The email was regarding a music video that Luke had just made as part of his university work.

Just to clear things up - I'll be working with Billy from January onwards, he will be my producer. Terry will be my boss.

Our email exchanges follows below:

Billy:
Erm... basically, this pop video was a sort of sped up 'day in the life' of a girl who dies of a drug overdose at the end.

I nearly choked when the words

"Caroline O'Neill 1980-2006" came up at the end. I texted him to ask who this particular 'Caroline O'Neill was, he said: "I know! The reason for that was that I had just spoken to Caroline about an hour before and her name is the first that came into my head when I had to think of a girl's name to make it 'authentic'!"

Caroline:
*spits out tea over keyboard*

So I officially died last year? :) Might want to let Terry know that he's employing a dead girl!!!

Billy:
There will deffo be some health and safety issues involved. I'm going to call HR and see if they have any guidelines on employing the dead/undead.

Caroline:
It just means when I write up a programme proposal for you it'll be full of braaaaaaaaaaaaaains.

Billy:
I can tell working with you's gonna be a killer, thriller...

I'm just glad 2006 is over, otherwise I'd be more than slightly paranoid!

Oil Slick and Oleander

I'm grumpy. I'm coughing up my pink little lungs at this very second. But at least I have good blood pressure, so it's not all bad.

It's been a busy past few weeks. Finished my current contract at betty. Went to Madrid for a romantic weekend. Looked after two greyhounds called Oil Slick and Oleander (names changed to protect identity). Went to the Carnaval del Pueblo. Visited a friend and her baby, Chicken Wing (name changed to protect identity), in Leeds. Watched The Simpsons Movie (which was very good, incidently). I have not stopped.

It's so nice to embrace unemployment. You know, sleeping till 1pm. Staying up late to watch crap movies. My only issue is that I'm finding it hard to let my personal hygience slip.

In other news, the four-part series I worked on at betty will be airing this month! Outrageous Wasters, BBC 3, Tuesday 21st August at 9pm.

Chickening Out

"Did you learn to kill a chicken?"

"It was AWFUL, I haven't eaten meat since then.  I got really squeamish."

"Let's hope you don't ever get stranded on a desert island full of chickens."

A Guilt-Ladden Blog Post

I don't have time to blog.  I really don't.  And then come lunchtime I have this niggling sense of guilt at the back of my head.  A little voice whispering in my ear, "You haven't blogged since last Tuesday!"

 

Sigh.

 

I think my last post was about my mother.  Since then I have received an email from Holland.  Yes, I have readers as far overseas as Holland.  One to be precise.  The giddy heights!  Anyway.  In Holland, Mothers Day is not until April.  Or May.  We're actually not all that sure about the month, let alone the date.  He is now holding me personally responsible for wasting the English equivalent of £1.50. 

 

Sigh.

 

So from this day forth - any posts relating to British holidays will now carry the disclaimer (N.B. Not for people outside of the United Kingdom).  The flap of a butterfly's wing in Brazil and all that...

 

What else? 

 

On Monday I went to Wales on a recce with the rest of my team.  We had two people carriers.  We were motoring down the M4 happily discussing the merits of organic balsamic vinegar in comparision to the rather yummy one with added pesticides.  All of a sudden someone espied that we were in need of petrol.  We pulled into the petrol forecount, jumped out and started pumping fuel into our very nice people carrier.  Forty pounds of unleaded later we suddenly realised that our people carrier actually took diesel.

 

Cue one fervent phone call to our production co-ordinator in the other car, "Now I want you to stay calm whilst I tell you this, the Series Producer is in your car and I don't want them knowing anything about this until we have found a solution.  We do not need anyone to panic.  So remain calm and quiet.  We put unleaded in the diesel car. "

 

The long and short of it?  I ended up in Swindon waiting for the car to be drained with Mel, our Production Manager whilst everyone else swanned off to Wales.  If you're ever stuck there, the Sainsburys Cafe is very nice.

 

It wasn't me who put the unleaded in the diesel car, by the way.

 

Off to the theatre this weekend. 

 

That's it from me.

 

And you know what?  I really didn't have time.

Hairy Armpits and Tony Blair

Some of you may know I work in the media.

Some of you may not.

Now you do.


I'm currently working as a researcher for an indie - my role, making tea and painting nails aside, involves contributor finding. Cue mass emails to various individuals all sides of the globe.

Cue hate mail...

I received the email below the other day. I just want to thank the guy, whose name I will withhold, for making my day. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life.

For the record. I've never voted for Tony Blair although I can just about deal with you calling me left-wing. BUT I DO SHAVE MY ARMPITS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!


Dear Caroline,

Thank you for your kind e-mail, I enjoyed reading it whilst reclining in my leather sofa smoking a rather large cigar.

Whilst I found the idea of contributing to your programme interesting, I quickly realised that the level of trust we as a club have in the left wing tree hugging media is so low I'd rather let Ian Huntley babysit my children than have anything to do with your production.

It is because of mis-representation and poor 'sound bite' sensationalist broadcasts such as yours that the owners of 4x4s are being publicly villified when drivers of carcanogen spewing wrecks with no tax and no insurance are left in relative obscurity despite contributing far more damage to the enviroment than any die hard car lover.

Perhaps you should consider shaving your arms pits, getting up off your comfy bean bag and getting ****ed you useless left wing tart

Regards

[name withheld]

Half Baked Daffodils

I have just spent five minutes smelling various cups of tea to try and identify which cup has sugar in it.

 

The Girl Who Takes Her Top Off In Restaurants (TM) made tea for everyone on the Third Floor.  One person took sugar.  The rest of us didn't.  Only they didn't know which cup the sugar was in.  You see our dilemma.  Hence our smelling session.

 

But the fun doesn't stop there.  Oh no.

 

Our Head of Documentaries is bidding us a sad farewell.  Two people, who we shall call Laurel and Hardy, decided they couldn't let him go without giving him something to remember them by.  Cue an impromptu photo session in the office using a Polaroid camera and various props including a bunch of daffodils, a dustbin lid, two balloons, a banana, drumsticks, an umbrella, several masks.  Basically anything that wasn't nailed down.

 

In all my years I shall never ever forget the sight of Laurel and Hardy laid spreadeagled on the floor covered in a blanket of daffodils pretending to have met their maker.

 

They say you have to be mad to work here, and I'm pretty sure they're all half-baked.  So I'm in good company, methinks.

 

I've just finished a book called Like Water For Chocolate , a poignant, magical, beautifully written book set in Mexico.  Definitely worth a read.

 

In other news:

 

We had a SNOW day!  And naturally we had the wrong kind of snow, throwing public transport everywhere into chaos.

 

Meester Howard will be displaying his amazingly artistic works of art in Battersea on Tuesday.  All bow down to the God of Art!

 

Oh, and my favorite news article of the week:  From Spaceflight to Attempted Murder Charge.  Personally, for me it's the nappy which makes the story.

 

Enjoy your weekend wherever you may be!

Is Emailing the New Blogging?

So.  It's been a while since I've posted.  Again.  I know I said that I'd blog more frequently but the new company that I work at has blocked blogger!  The nerve!

 

I know.  I know.  I know what you're all thinking.  How can you cope without your weekly (or thereabouts!) fix of Exclusively Caroline?  Well, I think I've just found a loophole.  Emailing to your blog!  It's not ideal, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.

 

So this is a test to see if it works.  If it does you'll be hearing a lot more from me on my lunch breaks!

 

 

So what do you make of all this Channel 4 business then?  I watched Shipwrecked at the weekend.  I have to admit I am a fan.  I was shocked by the pro-slavery statement, but then that's Channel 4 isn't it?  They like to be controversial and broadcast programming that's right on the edge.  To be honest, I actually feel quite sorry for Jade.  It was her decision to enter the house for the second time but I do think she was exploited a fair bit.  She's on suicide watch now apparently.  Poor thing.  That other lass on Shipwrecked is probably going to get a right rollocking too; although I hear in the second show she eats her words.

 

Enough rubbish.  This is supposed to be a test post.  Coming up shortly - some of the random texts my father has sent me!

Big Brother, Big Life and Shoe Racks

Well, the last part of 2006 was quite interesting. Take That are back (for good), I saw Wicked at the Victoria Apollo (and it was just as it said on the tin), my younger sister turned 24 leaving me feeling a right old biddy and the majority of my Christmas present were Indian-themed. Bar a fantastic 4 by 3 screen print of Audrey Hepburn (note to self - buy picture hooks).

2007 has only just started. I've got a new job, a new shoe rack and Celebrity Big Brother is on. My friend, Jen, will be glued to the television. My money is on Leo Sayer, personally. Not that I'll watch it again after today, although it does look quite controversial this year!

Oh, and H from Steps has come out as being gay. Quelle surprise. I don't think anyone will have been choking on their cornflakes at breakfast this morning.

I'm going to try and blog more this year. I've just found it quite hard since I got back from India. Travelling was the experience of a lifetime and when I got home I found everything quite flat in comparision. But I'm going to make an effort to do more so I have things to blog about!

Incidently, my next blog post was to be about signing on. I was planning a huge rant on fighting my way through the unwashed masses to the Jobcentre. Only problem is I've just been offered work at Betty Productions, starting on Monday. God, I'm SO excited!

It's Faceman from the A-Team! That brings an end to this blog post!

Green Apple and Pink Grapefruit

I'm sorry for not posting for quite a while. The past week has been a bit up and down for me and I really didn't want to blog about depressing things!

Job interview the other day. I didn't get it! But hey, it's their loss, not mine!

Having said that - met with another indie (independent production company) this week. If they get a commission there's a possibility of a six month contract with training. I expect you all to have your fingers well and truly crossed for me!

Now that's the boring stuff over.

I had a hair cut!!!

Reactions ranged from one end of the spectrum to the other. JR told me that it was a "Sienna Miller Mistake". Another friend told me that she wanted to take a photograph to show her hairdresser. My boyfriend thinks it makes me look like a smart, sexy, professional businesswoman. What do you think?

I'm the one with brown hair, by the way. The gorgeous blonde is my friend, Kate. Hands off chaps, she's married!

In other news...

It's Friday!! So tonight we're going to have a big night in with lots of alcohol, a pack of cards and more surreal conversation with my sister.

>>advertisement for cleaning product on television<<
"Kills 99.9% of harmful bacteria such as E.coli, Salmonella, MRSA and the Flu virus."

Me: "If it kills the Flu virus, does that mean if you're ill with the flu and you spray it in your mouth you'll be back to normal in no time?"

Sis: "Possibly, and you'll also have pine-fresh breath."

Me: "I think they only have it in Green Apple and Pink Grapefruit flavour."


My standards are slipping. I'm sorry. I'll try harder next week!